Why Your Brain Goes Offline When You Get That Angry Email (And What to Do About It)
On my desk, there is a worn piece of paper taped to the monitor that says: "Three things you control every day are your attitude, your effort, and your actions. It doesn’t matter what is happening around you and who you think is being unfair. Every day, you can choose to focus on being positive, working hard, and making those around you better. If you do that, great things will happen”. This sounds simple, but it is not. Especially when it comes to information coming into us.
If you work in an industry where an action causes a reaction, then you understand that the way we communicate and interact with others sets a precedent for the response. How many times have you received that unprofessional, accusatory email? How many times have you responded without a pause? If you are like me, there are a few times when I should have paused.
What is the pause?
It is that moment you create. It is the time you give yourself to decide whether you will control your attitude, effort, and actions. It is that moment when you can decide if you are going to be a great teammate or fall prey to the reaction of what you just read.
You see, when we receive the message that someone is unhappy with our work or our team's work, our threat responses are ignited. We want to respond immediately and give back what we just got. Trust me when I say this: NEVER exclude the pause in your response when you feel this way. Give yourself time to think rationally. That may mean you have to stand up and walk away from the desk. Trust me again, I know your fingers are anxious to type out every thought running through your brain, but that will level you to the tone of the incoming communication.
What do we do?
First, think about the sender. I know you are saying I am the one who received this, but why should I think about the sender who is rude? The reality is they are trying to do their own jobs. They are frustrated about something and want issues resolved. Some people think fighting words will provoke a response. It will provoke a response, but not the intended outcome. Neuroscience tells us that communication that protects our social foundations: SCARF (status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness) will get a resolution-based response, but maybe that person isn’t aware, like you are. So, take a step back and assess the sender's status. Is the sender young in their career, or is the sender someone who doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to realize that they catch more flies with sugar than vinegar? Then ask yourself, do I want to respond in a way that equates me with their level, or do I want to rise to the status that I know I have?
Secondly, remove the emotion from the email. Read the email for the heart of the issue. Get up and come back to the email. Remove any insulting words and read the issue to be resolved. You can’t control the incoming message. You can choose to ignore the insults and address the heart of the issue when you respond. This shows that you are emotionally and intellectually intelligent. When we can see through the emotion and understand the heart of the issue, we can be difference makers. We can provide clear, rational insight into the matter at hand and either explain the situation or outline how we will correct it. Either way, when we respond without provocation, we win and resolve matters professionally.
Finally, after all matters have been addressed, consider if it is a good time to call the sender and work out why they were so frustrated. Have a conversation with them to clear the air. Talk about communication and how we can communicate more efficiently. They may be responsive or not, but you tried to clear the air and set a professional tone with the person.
Why is this pause so neurologically necessary?
When we feel a social threat (like an accusatory email), our brain processes it the same way it processes a physical threat. Blood flow reduces to the prefrontal cortex - the part responsible for reasoning, planning, and emotional regulation. This isn't a character flaw - it's biology.
So, the practical step is to STOP:
- Step away from the keyboard
- Take a breath and label the threat (status? fairness?)
- Objectively read for the core issue
- Pause before responding
Here are three specific strategies that work:
The 2-hour rule: Never respond to an emotionally charged email within 2 hours
The draft-and-delete method: Write your reactive response first to get it out of your system, then delete it and start fresh
The overnight test: For really heated exchanges, sleep on it - your brain literally processes emotions differently after rest
It is impossible to control the incoming narrative. We can’t make others kinder, and we certainly can’t change their emotional intelligence. What we can do is remember…… Three things you control every day are your attitude, your effort, and your actions. It doesn’t matter what is happening around you and who you think is being unfair. Every day, you can choose to focus on being positive, working hard, and making those around you better. If you do that, great things will happen.
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