Leadership Isolation: Why Leadership Literally Hurts (And What to Do About It)

I'll never forget my first day as a leader. I walked toward a group of colleagues chatting by the coffee machine, and they scattered like startled deer. That's when I realized - everything had changed. What I didn't know then was that the hurt I felt wasn't just emotional disappointment. My brain was literally processing social rejection and isolation the same way it would process physical pain. This social pain isn't just a personal leadership challenge - it's systemic.

Here's what the research reveals about how employees actually perceive their leaders:

• Only about 30% of employees are actively engaged at work, with poor leadership being one of the primary drivers of disengagement

• Up to 70% of employees report that their immediate manager is the worst part of their job

• Less than 40% of workers feel their leaders communicate effectively or provide clear direction

• Around 60% of employees don't trust their leadership to make good decisions

"Leadership isolation isn't inevitable - it's a choice, not a state of being."

That moment of watching people scatter wasn't just awkward - it was genuinely painful. There's scientific evidence that social pain activates the same brain region - the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex - that processes physical pain. When you stub your toe, that same area lights up when colleagues exclude you. Over the next 11 years, I've felt that pain repeatedly. People comment on my appearance, question my motives when I write thank-you notes, and see favoritism in every lunch invitation. The burden of knowledge - knowing things others don't - creates even more distance. Sometimes it feels easier to just stay isolated, but leadership in isolation isn't leadership at all.

How do we deal with this as leaders? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could tuck it away and say, “Oh, that’s ok, it doesn’t really matter”? That type of avoidance doesn’t really work.  

In fact, the strategy is quite the opposite.

1. Create Genuine Relatedness Connections – I would routinely start eating in common areas. I would ask people about their families and what they like to do outside of work. Inevitably, we found common ground that made us able to relate on a human level.

2. Build Your Leadership Peer Network- I wish I had done this sooner. I began seeking out people in roles like mine, but I also made sure they were positive, growth-minded people. Having mentors and a powerhouse of professional friends has changed my life.                    

3. Practice Prosocial Goal Setting- Focus on goals that explicitly benefit others rather than just hitting numbers. When I introduced the Kind Souls Foundation to my teams - giving them resources to support their clients - it created meaningful connections while empowering everyone involved.

4. Actively Seek Diverse Perspectives- Again, this is part of the peer network I have created. There are people from all walks of life in my peer network. In fact, only a few of them live in the Denver area where I am based. I am learning that diverse perspectives make me a better person.

Leadership isolation isn't inevitable - it's a choice, not a state of being. Which of these four strategies will you try first this week?

Leadership isolation is a choice, not a state of being.